just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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