Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
