i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
