I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Randomize
