I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
