Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I faked an abortion last night.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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