wat bout pragnant strippers??
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
