I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Randomize
