Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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