forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
