When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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