You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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