There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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