I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
