I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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