my room smells like sperm. sweet.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
