i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
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