The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
