She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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