i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
