need another drink. this is the easiest way
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
