birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
