did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
