god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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