Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize