I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
