I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Ketchup is God's man juice
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
