Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
