Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
