am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
it glows. i had to have it.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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