I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
my liver is dry heaving
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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