My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
