this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
