I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You are a genius and a whore.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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