If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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