Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
