I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
