Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
