i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize