I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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