Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
