fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
