Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize