i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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