So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize