I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
