Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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