Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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