Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
