I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
