btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
