dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
