just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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