is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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