My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
