So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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