Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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