I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
