just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
