I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I want to fling myself into the sun
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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