My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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