dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize