So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize