In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
