Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Randomize
