If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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