i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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