i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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