I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
